As Bob walks into study hall, he saw a couple holding hands. With big smiles and a pep in their step, they had everything he didn’t. Gazing wistfully, he sighed. “I want a date,” he said. 

     Bob is just one of the many South students struggling to get a date. With Valentine’s day just around the corner, students are starting to make plans to ask their crushes out. But in high school, asking someone out isn’t as easy as it seems. Typically ending in an over exaggerated rejection, a failed talking stage or an emotionally desolate relationship, asking someone out is certainly difficult. After seeing this pandemic of failed proposals, we feel it is our duty to help. 

Tip 1: Pickup lines are the best tools of attraction

     If there is anything you want to do to make a stellar first impression, it is to use an unforgettable pickup line. These romantic phrases are the key to making that special someone swoon. 

     Simply walk up to them and deliver these lines using the natural charm we’re sure you have. Keep a good posture, be confident, and talk clearly.

     If the other person has any of the following reactions, you’ve succeeded: smile/chuckle, scrunch their eyebrows, ask for your phone number, walk away, scream at you, or run away.

Tip 2: Listen to Taylor Swift:

     Most of Taylor Swift’s music is the ultimate guide for anything love related. To become a better asker-outer, reciting Taylor Swift songs in your bathroom every morning and night is recommended. The benefits of this include a deeper understanding of emotional relationships, tolerance to rejection and the ability to ask anyone out. Once you’ve memorized certain lyrics, embed them into random conversations with your crush. 

Tip 3: Actions speak louder than words

     We all appreciate grand gestures, so what better way to express your feelings than doing something that your crush will never forget? Personally we recommend buying a billboard. We’re sure your crush will simply delight in a $3000, 48 feet wide vinyl board with their name and your declaration of love on it. Prisha Goswami (25’) said, “My crush once bought a billboard for me and it was the best day of my life!” 

      Another idea is to gather all your favorite people, such as your grandparents, your classmates and even your teachers. Then ask them to form a circle around your crush and sing Pitbull songs. If you ask anyone out in this setting, the chances of them saying yes increase by 66.6%. Deana Hu (26’) agrees, saying, “If someone gathered a huge group of people who sang Pitbull around me in a circle, I would die.”  

     Using these tips, studies show that you have a 99% chance of getting that first date – it worked for Bob! But we can only take you so far; after that it’s all up to you, so good luck! Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! 

Note: No information is accurate. Facts, statistics and interviews are fake – the article is strictly satirical.