In Ancient Rome, on Feb. 14, 46 A.D., the first Valentine’s Day was celebrated. This started the haunting of people for centuries to come.

     Many single people view Valentine’s Day as a deep injustice perpetrated against their tribe. They refer to the day as Valencries–a day of mourning over their singleness.

     Our anonymous sources willingly gave us a glimpse into their life on the most difficult of days for the uncoupled. Both requested that we refer to them by pseudonyms.

Tailors Drift

     “I start the day at 12 p.m,” said Tailors Drift. “It’s too painful to look out the window and watch all those snobbish couples enjoy the morning sunlight.”

     After lunch, Drift walked around Quakerbridge Mall and and spotted a couple of lovebirds. “I was so close to a breakdown. So close. People in romantic relationships have so much privilege.”

     Drift continued, “Single people are at an extreme emotional disadvantage on Valencries day–they need social, emotional and even physical support.”

     In their friend groups, they’ve known many single friends who have gone to extreme measures to avoid seeing all the coupling around them.

     How extreme? They explained, “Instead of using eyeliner, some of my friends line their eyelids with superglue. I’ve heard that Krazy Glue is the most popular, although Gorilla Glue usually does the trick too,”

     By 3:30 p.m., Drift is usually on an E-date or I-date. E-dates, or electronic dates, are usually held on Tumblr. “It’s truly an experience to be spending time with your 2-D partner,” they said with a giggle.

     Meanwhile, I-dates, or imaginary dates, are arranged with a poster. “I talk a lot with Harry Styles, who hangs above my bed. He doesn’t say much, but I know he’s always listening.”

     Around 5 p.m., Drift turns on the radio. “I try to listen to Beyoncé to boost my confidence but when she sings, ‘I got hot sauce in my bag, swag,’ I– I just can’t go on.” At this point, Drift admitted they were unable to continue the interview.

Mushroom Enthusiast

     For Mushroom Enthusiast, who prefers to be called M.E., Valencries Day centers around his parents. “While all your friends are with their dates and enjoying themselves, you don’t need to worry because you have your parents! Why spend the day with a romantic lover when you can eat a delicious brunch,” he said.

     “Third wheeling is one of my only talents. I constantly badger my parents but Valencries Day I go into overdrive. In the morning, I banged on my parents’ door until I physically couldn’t anymore. But it was all worth it.”

     He added, “Every year, at 11 a.m., I beg my mom to take me out to IHOP where I order a $100 worth of pancakes, which she treats me too–she doesn’t mind,” M.E. said.

     By 1 o’clock, M.E. is satiated. “I eat so much that both my dad and mom have to haul me into the trunk of the car as they drive back home. It’s not like they have a choice because I make sure to handcuff both of them to my left foot.”

     “They keep telling me that they need some time for themselves, which I just don’t really understand.”

     He said, “At around 4 p.m., when they attempt their first escape, I howl like a wolf while chasing them on all fours,” they said.

     M.E. believes that 2018 was the most memorable Valencries Day. “I think I pushed them over the edge. Literally.”

     Many singles, just like M.E. and Drift deserve better. It’s time to grow empathy and be able to insert our feet into the knee-high socks of these poor souls left alone on this most oppressive of holidays, named Valencries Day.