Dining table smarter than Einstein, new research shows

     On Pi Day, the Lourenco Institution of Science revealed that the intelligence quotient (IQ) of a dining table is 263.  This is higher than Albert Einstein’s IQ, which, if you’re wondering, is 160. 

     The two-year, anonymously-funded study cost one billion dollars. The experiment was conducted in Antarctica. According to co-author Dr. Ved Karamsetty, Dr. Dean Lourenco, the head of the institute,  believed, “The Antarctic cold is conducive to detecting electrical currents in inanimate objects.” 

     The experiment used an electrical outlet attached by copper wires to the leg of a dining table, an Antikythera Mechanism (the oldest computer in the world) and an electric hair dryer.

     According to witnesses present during the experiment, Dr. Lourenco got sucked into the electrical outlet.   The walls were broken into and taken down, but Dr. Lourenco was nowhere to be found.  

     “If he’s not behind the wall, where could he be?” asked Dr. Karamsetty.  “You can’t just disappear into the ether.  We’re scientists, not magicians!”

     Dr. Karamsetty described Dr. Lourenco as an innovative thinker.  Last year, he was inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame for his invention of the Lourenco Patty, also known as I Can’t Believe It’s Not a Veggie Burger All-Beef PattyTM, available at all New Jersey grocery stores, but nowhere else. 

          Donna Jaison, a Ph.D. candidate at MIT,  and a blogger of Dr. Lourenco’s innovative work said,  “He deserves a Nobel Prize.” 

     Dr. Karamsetty said, “A lot of people will be mourning his vanishing. He was very intelligent with an IQ of four.”